The Satanic Panic: A Goddamn Dumpster Fire We Should’ve Seen Coming

The 80s and 90s weren’t just about mullets and bad fashion—they were the golden age of collective dumbassery. Enter the Satanic Panic, a moral meltdown that convinced America Satan himself was running daycare centers and heavy metal bands were demonic recruiters. It was like a bad acid trip wrapped in church pamphlets, hyped up by preachers, politicians, and every media outlet thirsty for ratings. Guess what: It was all bullshit.

How It All Went Off the Rails

So how did a nation lose its mind? Easy. You start with evangelical Christians on a mission to save souls (and control everyone else), toss in some heavy metal music scaring suburban parents, and add a bestselling book like Michelle Remembers—basically fanfiction pretending to be real-life horror. Then sprinkle in TV hosts treating conspiracy theories like breaking news. Boom. You’ve got a recipe for mass hysteria that makes Salem look like a weekend hobby.

Critical thinking? Thrown in the trash. Evidence? Didn’t need any! Just accuse some poor bastard of being a Satanist, and the whole town loses its goddamn mind.

Witch Hunts, Courtrooms, and Lives Wrecked

The Satanic Panic wasn’t just a punchline—it destroyed real lives. People were dragged into court over imaginary cult activities, families got torn apart, and communities went full-blown fucking nuts. Teachers and daycare workers were accused of shit so wild it makes The Exorcist look like a family film. But hey, who needs facts when you’ve got mob mentality on your side? If you didn’t fit the mold, you were a target—end of story.

Satanism: Not What Your Pastor Told You

Let’s clear this up: Satanism isn’t about sacrificing babies or drawing pentagrams with goat blood. It’s a non-theistic philosophy that gives a big middle finger to herd mentality, focusing on individuality, self-reliance, and knowledge. No gods, no masters, no bullshit. Most Satanists are too busy minding their own business—volunteering, working, and living their damn lives—to bother with whatever nonsense your preacher warned you about. Satanic ritual abuse? Yeah, no.

Fear Sells—And It Sells Big

The Satanic Panic proved one thing: Fear is the easiest shit to sell. Tell people their kids are in danger, and they’ll buy whatever you’re pitching, no questions asked. And here we are, decades later, still dealing with the fallout. People still whisper about “secret Satanic cults,” because apparently learning from the past is too much work. You can’t argue with a good conspiracy theory—it’s like fighting a drunk guy: exhausting, pointless, and you’ll probably get punched in the face.

Satanism’s PR Problem: Thanks, Media!

Even today, Satanism gets lumped in with dark magic and serial killers because it makes for good TV. Turns out, fear-mongering is the American way. You’d think people would’ve moved on by now, but no—some folks still clutch their pearls whenever they hear the word “Satan.” Pro tip: If your idea of Satanism comes from movies or Sunday school, you might want to do some actual research. Or not. Whatever. It’s your life to waste.

Grumps’ Life Advice: Stop Apologizing and Be Fucking Weird

Listen, life’s too short to give a damn about fitting in. Whether you’re a goth kid, a punk, or just someone who likes reading banned books, own that shit. People will always judge you—fuck ‘em. Live loud, live weird, and don’t waste a second trying to explain yourself to people who wouldn’t get it if you handed them a manual. Around here, we live by one motto: “Embrace who you are! Live your best possible life, and conquer your perceived world!” Stop apologizing for existing. You’ve got exactly one life—make it count.

So yeah, the Satanic Panic was a shitshow, and we’re still dealing with the fallout. But here’s the thing: Think for yourself. Question everything. And the next time someone starts ranting about “Satanic conspiracies,” pour yourself a drink and walk away. Some fights just aren’t worth having. Life’s too short for that kind of stupid.