How Satanists Really See Other Religions (Spoiler: We’re Not Impressed)

You’ve made it here, so I guess we’re doing this—taking a deep dive into how Satanists view other religions. Now, before you get too excited, let’s be clear: this isn’t one of those “Can’t we all just get along?” kumbaya moments. If you’re here expecting that, you’ve probably clicked the wrong link. We don’t play nice for the sake of it. What we do is look reality straight in the eye—no gods, no masters—and pick apart the nonsense.

So, let’s start with the big one. Christianity. Oh yes, the ever-present elephant in the room. The thing is, Satanists don’t hate Christians. I know, shocking, right? No, what we have an issue with is the institution. Christianity, historically and presently, operates like one giant mind-control machine, guilting people into submission with promises of eternal punishment or reward. “But Grumps,” you say, “I’m a Christian, and I’m not like that!” Cool. You do you. But the moment someone tries to legislate their Bible-thumping beliefs into my life, well, that’s when the gloves come off.

Now, Islam. This one’s a bit trickier, mostly because people tend to paint all Muslims with one brush, just like they do with Satanists. Let me break it down for you—Islam, at its core, isn’t all that different from Christianity in the way it demands devotion to an invisible, all-knowing deity. Whether it’s Allah or Jehovah, it’s still a system of control. But here’s the kicker: some forms of Islam, like Sufism, focus more on personal enlightenment and inner peace. And you know what? That’s something even a Satanist can respect. We’re all about self-realization, too—we just prefer to do it without the middleman or the holy book.

Now, for a little Paganism. I’m sure you’ve got that mental image of druids dancing naked around a bonfire in your head. Fun as that sounds, it’s not quite that simple. Paganism offers an escape from the authoritarian structure of monotheism, which sounds great on paper, but it still tends to cling to the idea of deities or nature spirits. And let me tell you, I’m not keen on any belief that says some mystical force controls the universe. But I’ll give the Pagans credit for one thing: they understand that nature is indifferent, just like the rest of the cosmos. Respect the earth, folks, but don’t worship it.

Moving eastward, we hit Buddhism and Hinduism. Now, here’s where it gets a little philosophical. Buddhism—at least the non-theistic kind—almost gets a nod from us Satanists. Why? Because it’s focused on self-improvement and not being a dick. We’re on board with that! But the idea of karma, reincarnation, and all that spiritual bookkeeping? Nope. No cosmic accountant is keeping track of how many ants I step on. In the end, these beliefs still revolve around escaping the cycle of suffering. I say, embrace life for what it is—short, chaotic, and full of opportunity.

Lastly, let’s stroll through the wild and wacky world of fringe religions. You’ve got stuff like Raelism—which, if you haven’t heard of it, is basically UFO fan fiction that somehow turned into a religion. I don’t know whether to laugh or be impressed by their creativity. As Satanists, we see these groups as fascinating case studies of human imagination gone haywire. It’s like watching a sci-fi channel marathon, except people really believe this stuff. But hey, it’s a free world. Believe in whatever you want—just don’t knock on my door with pamphlets, or I’ll sic Cooper the Pug on you.

Now, here’s the big takeaway. We Satanists? We’re skeptics. We look at these belief systems and see the same patterns of control, submission, and faith in something that, let’s be honest, is probably as real as Santa Claus. But here’s the thing: we’re not out to convert anyone (seriously, we couldn’t care less if you worship a shoe). What we care about is living authentically—free from the shackles of guilt, fear, and imaginary friends in the sky.

So, go ahead and believe in whatever you want. Just remember—whether you’re wearing a crucifix, a hijab, or a pentagram—question everything. Because at the end of the day, that’s how you truly conquer your perceived world.