Alright, listen up, heathens and seekers, because it’s time for a lesson in how Satanists handle scripture. You heard me right—we’re gonna poke around in the Bible, not because we’re secretly dying to join a choir, but because knowing the rulebook lets us play the game better than those who swear by it. Now, let’s dive in, and don’t forget your sense of humor—it’s going to get spicy.
Romans 3:23
“All of us have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory.”
Ah yes, the good ol’ “Everyone’s a sinner” shtick. Satanists, however, aren’t buying it. No sin, no guilt, no divine scorecard. Instead of obsessing over invisible rules, we’re about owning our choices and taking responsibility. Messed up? Fix it. But don’t waste time groveling to some cosmic landlord for things that aren’t even on our lease.
1 John 2:15-17
“Don’t love the world or anything that belongs to the world… If you love the world, you cannot love the Father.”
Translation: Stop having fun, or God gets jealous. But guess what? Satanists embrace the here and now. Life’s short—enjoy that pizza, wear the leather, and collect those Funko Pops if that’s your thing. There’s no cosmic killjoy policing your happiness. As long as your pleasures don’t harm anyone, indulge like a pro.
Proverbs 22:6
“Teach your children right from wrong, and when they are grown they will still do right.”
This one’s not bad—Satanists also believe in teaching kids to make good choices. But we don’t raise parrots to repeat everything we say. We raise dragons—independent thinkers who challenge authority. Our goal isn’t to mold them into saints but to arm them with wit, fire, and critical thinking so they can roast life’s goblins on their own terms.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
“Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, or rude.”
We’re not anti-love, people. But Satanists see love as a partnership, not a sacrifice. It’s about mutual respect, not self-denial. Patience and kindness are great—but not at the cost of your boundaries or well-being. You can love deeply while still telling people where to shove it when necessary. We call that healthy love.
Luke 6:27
“Love your enemies, and be good to everyone who hates you.”
Nah, thanks. Satanists believe in respecting those who deserve it—not those who treat you like dirt. Sure, kindness has its place, but we’re not here to throw pearls at swine. Sometimes the best way to love an enemy is to outsmart, outshine, and outlive them. That, my friends, is how you truly win.
Matthew 28:16-20
“Go to the people of all nations and make them my disciples…”
Proselytizing? Not our thing. Satanism isn’t a recruitment drive—we’re not looking to hit membership quotas. We live by example. If someone’s curious, they’ll ask. If not, we’re happy to let them live their best life. No pamphlets, no guilt-tripping, just autonomy.
Romans 12:2
“Don’t be like the people of this world, but let God change the way you think.”
Satanists are all about non-conformity—but on our terms. We’re not waiting around for divine intervention to change our minds. Self-reflection, growth, and challenging norms are the name of our game. If that means coloring outside society’s lines, well, we’ll bring extra crayons.
1 Peter 3:3-4
“Be beautiful in your heart by being gentle and quiet…”
Listen, if gentle and quiet work for you, that’s cool. But Satanists say beauty comes from being unapologetically yourself. Whether that’s loud, bold, quiet, or weird—it’s your choice. We don’t subscribe to anyone else’s standards, and we wear eyeliner and combat boots proudly.
James 1:19
“Be quick to listen and slow to speak or get angry.”
Solid advice—sometimes. Listening is great, but silence isn’t always golden. Satanists believe in speaking up when it matters. And as for anger? We see it as a tool, not a sin. Used right, it’s a spark that can fuel change—just don’t let it set your eyebrows on fire.
Why Satanists Bother with Bible Verses
I know some of you are thinking, “Why the hell does Grumps care about Bible verses?” Easy—because it pays to know what you’re up against. Whether you’re sparring with a street preacher, debating your cousin at Thanksgiving, or dodging scripture slingers online, understanding the source material gives you the upper hand. Knowledge is power, and we like power with a side of snark.
So next time someone tries to shove a verse at you, don’t sweat it. Smile, drop some well-placed facts, and walk away with your head high. That’s the Satanist way—owning the conversation, not the guilt.
Darth Grumps
Grumps is the name most folks recognize him by on TikTok, Discord, and various other corners of the internet. He’s the one writing and talking about how Satanism weaves into the everyday grind, working to clear up the usual misconceptions people have about the religion. Through his own unique lens, he offers insights and a slice of Satanic wisdom that only he can provide.
Disclaimer: Grumps and the Church of Satan? Yeah, he’s a Satanist, but he’s not a card-carrying member, nor does he represent them. Grumps’ grumpiness? It’s more about irony than anything else. Just a heads up, the first Satanic Rule of the Earth says, “Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.” But hey, you came here to read this, so technically, you asked for it!
Grumps was a Christian for the majority of his life and is an “armchair theologian.” As such, he can’t help but have some views on things Biblical. He may outgrow this eventually, but until then, you will see this type of stuff from time to time.
A note on translation used: The Contemporary English Version (CEV) is a translation of the Bible into English that aims to make the biblical text accessible and understandable to a wide range of readers. Some possible reasons to use the CEV are:
- It is written at a fourth grade reading level, making it suitable for children and adults with limited English skills⁴.
- It uses everyday words and phrases that are familiar and easy to comprehend.
- It avoids technical or theological jargon that may confuse or alienate some readers.
- It renders the biblical text in a clear and concise way, without compromising the meaning or message of the original manuscripts.
- It follows the principles of dynamic equivalence, which means that it tries to convey the thought and intent of the original authors, rather than a word-for-word translation.
Of course, the choice of which Bible version to use is a personal one, and there may be other factors that influence your decision. You may want to compare the CEV with other translations, such as the New International Version (NIV), the King James Version (KJV), or the New Living Translation (NLT), to see which one best suits your needs and preferences. You can use Bing to search for different Bible versions and read them online¹. You can also find more information about the CEV and its history, translation principles, and features on the websites of the American Bible Society¹ and the British and Foreign Bible Society².
(1) What is the Contemporary English Version (CEV)? – GotQuestions.org.
(2) Contemporary English Version (CEV) – BibleGateway.com.
(3) Contemporary English Version – Wikipedia.
(4) The Contemporary English Version – bible-researcher.com.
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