Ah, New Year’s Resolutions—a yearly exercise in self-deception. Every January, millions of us gather around, brimming with optimism, armed with lists of grand ambitions and lofty goals. And every February, those same lists are quietly tucked away, buried under the weight of broken promises and abandoned dreams. It’s as if we all collectively agree to engage in this ritualistic farce, knowing full well that we’re just setting ourselves up for failure. But hey, it’s tradition, right? So, in the spirit of tradition, here are my resolutions for the year. And this time, I’m totally, definitely, maybe going to stick to them.
- Stop Smoking
—Yes, I know, I’ve made this one before. And yes, it’s found its way to the resolution graveyard more times than I’d care to admit. But this year, I’m serious. Really. I mean, how hard can it be to quit a habit I’ve had for decades? Piece of cake, right? - Get Somewhere in School
—I’m still spinning my wheels, stuck in the academic equivalent of quicksand. But this year, I’m going to make some progress. Maybe. If I can just figure out what the hell I’m supposed to be doing. Or why I’m doing it. - Be Driving by Summer
—Apparently, this is a non-negotiable one, considering the better half has threatened to murder me if I don’t get it done. Nothing like a little life-or-death motivation to get me behind the wheel. - Spend More Quality Time with the Better Half
—Because, you know, avoiding death by car isn’t enough. Now I have to focus on not dying alone. Quality time, here we come. - Year-End Goal: Improve My Income Potential
—Ah, the dream of making more money. Or, as I like to call it, the fantasy of the financially deluded. But hey, who knows? Maybe this year I’ll finally crack the code to wealth. Or at least stop hemorrhaging cash like it’s going out of style.
So, there you have it, my resolutions for the year. Feel free to check back on December 31, 2009, to see how many of these I actually accomplished. Spoiler alert: I wouldn’t hold my breath.
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